Happy Birthday to our youngest! We are so proud of this little one. She’s an amazing young lady, and she is definitely a bonus in my life. Excited to share this Birthday with you ♥
Tossing the booster ↓ Big day in this house
Found this on the Huffington Post. Older article, but the information is still relevant. What do you think? I know each situation is different.
Parents and Step-Parents: Where Is the Boundary Line?
Being a step-parent may very well be the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life. Parenting is tough enough in and of itself, but at least with the children I birthed I know that I can make a major parenting mistake and they will laugh at me and forgive me for my shortcomings and then forget about it by the time they get home from school. It seems like no matter what we face, we begin each day with a clean slate.
It’s different with my step-children. I find myself worrying that I may at any moment make an irreversible mistake which could cause them to harbor resentment until my last breath is taken. I often dance around issues and walk on eggshells and probably coddle them more than is even necessary.
But the most challenging part about being a step-parent is not crossing the imaginary “boundary line” to which so many parents and step-parents refer. We are expected to love the children like our own… but not too much. We are expected to make decisions regarding our home… but not specifically regarding the step-kids. We are supposed to be interested in their lives… but not too interested in what they do at the other home. We are supposed to go to their sports activities and cheer them on… but not offer to assist with the activities. We are expected to treat them like our own… but not really.
The past seven years of my life have looked a little something like this: happy marriage and sweet baby … turned affair, betrayal, and double life … skip to divorce, grief, and healing … and now, finding love again, an amazing second marriage, and blending all of the above. Successfully navigating through the past seven years has been tricky at best and now, the co-parenting dynamic in a blended family is no different. The complexities that go into the relationships that now make up our new family unit run deep. This has a lot working against us at times. We, however, are all working for one thing, our daughter. So, in my experience, here’s what has helped the most.
We Leave the Past Where it Belongs
More often than not the reason people arrive in a blended family is the product of heartache and trauma. At least two people in the co-parent foursome have experienced the pain of their divorce and that takes serious time and healing to recover from. Taking that time to grieve is crucial in how you’ll operate parenting together. Our magic number was three years. During that time, no one had re-married quite yet, allowing for some focused healing, forgiveness, and mourning the losses that came from the divorce. This time set us up to interact on a healthier level for the sake of our daughter. By the time remarriage was on the table there had been enough time and healing in place to move forward. And what to do with that extra water under the bridge? Make the choice not to drown in it. As co-parents it’s not about your former marriage, it’s about your child(ren).
We Keep the Lines Open
Aside from how we all arrived here, if there’s one thing we can all agree on present day it’s that we want to raise our daughter to be the best little human, thriving in every way possible. Talk about common interest! We could all go on and on about the funny things she says, how amazing her latest painting was, and how proud we are of who she is at only six years old.
As a parent, I will say, hands down the most lingering pain of divorce is sharing your child. From missing the major firsts to simply not getting to tuck them in every night. It gets really sad if you keep your focus there. The ways we soften the blow are a whole lot of pictures, videos, and updates in our “team sweetie” group text that the four of us have going. I missed my daughter’s first flight this past summer, but the video her bonus mom sent me was as second best as it could possibly get. I watched that video on repeat, and it made my heart so happy knowing that she was experiencing this first with a set of parents who love her as much as I do.
This solidarity doesn’t just apply to the joyful and gushy moments of parenting, it’s just as important (if not more) when dealing with the challenges. The behavior issues, the discipline, the consequences, the consistency in all of it … and if you’re a parent, you know that the list goes on. Once you’ve semi-handled one stage of your child, they throw you for a loop and it’s something brand new to deal with. We keep our rules and expectations as identical as humanly possible across the households. And with this, we are all in the know about everything that goes on. If there’s a behavior issue at one house, we all know. At school or soccer practice, we all know. She knows she’ll get the same answer, consequence, reward and so on from each one of us. She knows that we all talk and share and that between the four of us, she can’t get away with much.
We’ve found that there is an exception to the parenting rule when your child is one of a blended family. Some days, they need a little grace when going back and forth from household to household (and that’s okay). They aren’t robots and we can’t expect for them to act like ones. We notice more emotional outbursts and acting out in our daughter when she goes from house to house. She doesn’t express exactly what she’s feeling, but there’s something she’s processing internally that’s beyond us. Do we let her get away with murder? No, but we are mindful that there is an adjustment period needed at times. We give her that space to settle into one environment, family dynamic, and set of parents to the next.
We All Show Up
Softball games, parent-teacher conferences, dance recitals, school meetings, soccer practice, birthday parties, preschool graduations … We all show up, all the time. We continually show her that she is not only lucky enough to have the love, support, and encouragement from mommy and daddy, but also from her two bonus parents. She will never be short on love or support, that’s for sure. We also show her all of our different strengths and interests and see if they spark anything in her. Whether a child has two parents or four, personalities and passions will differ. Children will find that in certain seasons they’ll relate better to one than the next. We hope that she sees what each of us bring to the table separately as something that helps guide her. Parent to parent will always look a tad different, but what looks the same is the consistency of love and support our child receives. Our daily choice to all stay united and show up for our daughter trumps every reason the past has tried to divide us. We choose day after day to be the adults, to show up, and to ensure our daughter always has the loudest cheering section at the softball game.
We Respect Each Other (and our new family units)
As much as it benefits our daughter to be a united blended family, we are still big on developing and fostering each individual family unit. She has separate outings, traditions, and routines for each household. This gives life to each family unit on its own. Yes, we are blending and co-parenting, but we need each side to have its own individual foundation. We respect that in the other. It’s easy to have that sense of “I was here first” when watching an ex-spouse start over. However, this is not the hand we were dealt, nor is it the attitude we should carry. Point one on repeat. We leave the past where it belongs, and let our new families start over and grow. We keep our communication about our daughter and nothing else. We give each family unit the necessary space. If our daughter misses any one of us or wants to talk/facetime while she’s at the other household, we always allow her to, but we also try to respect the time she’s spending with each set of parents.
Her relationships look different with each one of us and we all respect that as well. No one is out to replace or compete against each other. We respect our daughter’s feelings towards each one of us and find joy in the relationship she has with each of us individually. We each take her out on solo dates, we spend time with her in our separate family units, and we spend time all together. Each facet of time spent is respected, encouraged, and important.
Divorce doesn’t end family life; it reorganizes it. The points made above are all daily choices we make FOR our daughter. Some days there are triggers of the past or painful memories that work against our choice, but we don’t let them win. All in all, we keep our heads above that water left under the bridge and focus on that greater good our child deserves.
LAUREN MCKINLEY is the founder of Her Soul Repair; blogger; author; and educator. She is a creative optimist who enjoys time with her husband & babies, strong coffee, sunshine, live music, and adventuring to new places. Lauren resides in Southern California with her family.
I’m in the middle of reading Lauren’s book right now, and as soon as I’m done reading it I’ll be posting a review and sharing the book with you.
Lauren-thank you for the great post!
♥ The Blended Tribe
It has taken me a while to get to the place where I don’t care what people think about me. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion, and their opinion does not affect me. There is a special kind of freedom that comes with not caring.
The quicker you can get to this place, the better off you will be. Don’t focus on your haters, but continue to focus on the people that love you and want to be around you.
You can’t fix broken people, but you can fix yourself so move on and be free!
It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you, but if you trust the Lord, you are safe. Proverbs 29:25
♥ The Blended Tribe
→ New posts are on the way. It’s taking me a bit to catch up right now with volleyball, baseball, track, youth, yoga, pigs, and all the extra going on right now #momlife ←
I swear, I constantly have crap coming my way. From things heard or seen and people feeling the need to tell me about it. SOMETIMES…..I let it get to me, but then I realize the people that I’m dealing with and why it doesn’t mean much of anything.
So, this post is just a short and simple reminder to BREATH and let GO!! None of it matters ♥
When I first started this blended family journey, I searched high and low for helpful blogs on remarried families and didn’t have a ton of luck. Now that I’m in the blogging world again and my life is all about blending, I’ve come across some highly addictive and helpful blogs that I would like to share with you all.
↓↓Probably my fave right now. Jamie keeps it real!!
–>>If you need a little encouragement in your blending definitely check out Blendcredible. Find them on IG too. This site keeps me encouraged and positive. Love the vibe he has going. ↓
I hope you enjoy these blogs as much as I do ♥ The Blended Tribe ♥
The moment you drop your kiddos off with their Dad for spring break and realize you regret letting them go the entire week. Missing them and it’s only Tuesday!!!! Not going to lie……I don’t share well.
Hope you all had a great Easter!! We had a chaotic early morning with a sunrise service and then dropping off all the kids by 8:00 with their other parents. We rushed to another church to watch three family members get baptized and then Jon and I spent some much needed time alone for the rest of the day. We went to brunch, went on a hike and then laid on the couch watching our new addiction Red Oaks. The day started out crazy and was worth every minute of the craziness getting those last few hours in with the kids. We ended the day with complete relaxation. Jon and I don’t get much time to ourselves. Even though being alone for part of a holiday feels a little weird for us, it’s not always a bad thing. We had plenty of places we could’ve been that day, and all the invitations were greatly appreciated, but sometimes the two of us need a minute to re-group and get grounded. I’m sure most of you can relate.
Love that she dares to go up and dance by herself in front of a crap ton of people at her school’s talent show. Her Dad was a nervous wreck, and I had my daughter next to me tearing up because of how proud she was of her. She rocked it last night!!
Here’s a video: Hopefully you can watch it, I turned my phone so sorry if you’re watching it sideways 🙂https://theblendedtribe.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/img_0845-1.mov